Standing alongside hundreds of other people, all aiming to build up better marriages, is a pretty great place to be.
That’s where my wife of 23 1/2 years and I found ourselves last weekend. What we learned at the Bethel Marriage Conference was so powerful that I want to share it with you. If you’re married, or thinking about it, or want to deepen your knowledge on this foundational part of life, this is for you.
Dan and Rebekah Metteer were the enthusiastic keynote speakers at the conference. They came down from Eastridge Church in Issaquah. (I learned later that we have a special connection — Dan performed the marriage ceremony for my cousin in the pandemic days. It remains the only wedding I’ve attended by Zoom.)
At our conference, they said that with a spirit of humility, we can get out of our own way and learn new ways to relate to our spouse by understanding and working through our differences.
“Our differences teach us about honor, self-sacrifice, to be flexible, to recognize that on my own I have a lot of inadequacies,” they said. “It's good that we're different but because of that we have to work it out. That can be uncomfortable ... Celebrate the differences and see how they can make you stronger.”
They worked through several different wants of relating to the world and each other — distinctions that many of us might not fully understand.
Verbal/Internal processor
Some people think out loud, talking through ideas RIGHT NOW. They are verbal processors. Other people want to think things through before talking about it. That can feel like angry silence, but it’s not.
In a time of conflict, that can cause hurt feelings.
A verbal processor coming at you doesn't necessarily mean they're mad, and when the internal spouse withdraws it doesn't mean they don't care, it means they need time to think.
“Assumption is the assassination of your marriage,” the Metteers said. “Understand each other to give each other the benefit of the doubt.”
That means using empathy and assuming the best about my spouse. They love me, they care for me and want the best for me and our marriage.
For verbal processors, try using a phrase like: "Can I just get my thoughts out? Can I just talk this through?"
Internal processors could respond with this: “I care about what you said, I just need a little time to think this through” or “I need to process this. Can we talk about this at” (and set a time. Don’t just punt it forever).
Realist/Idealist
When it comes to plans, adventures and activities, a realist thinks about details, safely and ways to avoid pitfalls. They oscillate a lot. Their initial concerns about a scary adventure can turn into pleasure after safety is established and concerns are addressed.
The idealist is all about the adventure. This person is a risk-taker who sees potential and wants to maximize the opportunities. The details can get figured out later.
Idealists should acknowledge the calculated conclusions of the realist.
Come to a mutual understanding and bring comfort to the realist’s worries.
The realist should acknowledge the dream. Don't crush the dreams of your spouse.
When the realist’s concerns are listened to and addressed, the crazy adventures glinting in the eyes of the idealist can come to life.
“Start to plan trips again, take risks again,” the Metteers said. “Your spouse is a treasure and is worth living with.”
Tips for the idealist:
Don't push your realist beyond what they can do — but don't give up if you get resistance or a couple of questions.
Be honest with yourself that not every idea is actually a good idea. Remember that you need your realist to keep you in check with wisdom.
A few phrases that can help idealists connect with their realists:
• "I can tell you are worried about this. What if I researched a little more?"
• "What would make you feel better about it?"
Tips for the realist:
Your idealist can bring adventure and joy to your life. Start with something positive to encourage your idealist spouse: “Here's what I like about that idea.” You can follow that up with “Here are my concerns or fears.”
Bring suggestions to the idea that might make it more realistic. Try not to pop the bubble of the idealist as they bring the "living" to your marriage.
“Don't miss out on shared camaraderie,” the Metteers said. “Don't settle for stalemate. Work on it as a couple and have a great life adventure.”
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Next week: We’ll continue with more marriage insights about how to navigate life’s rapids together.
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Brian Mittge has written about issues in his hometown for The Chronicle since 2000. Contact him at brianmittge@hotmail.com.
