Truth be told, none of these stories are true. Enjoy some early April 1 balderdash.
Adna pirates maraud down Chehalis River
Not content with their namesake mascot presiding over dominating performances on the sports field, a band of actual Adna pirates have taken to looting, pillaging and peg-legging along the banks of the Chehalis River and Stearns Creek.
“Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers,” said Captain Jack “Blonde Beard” Canary, squinting from his one non-patched eye as he was interviewed from his man-of-war anchored near Back Memorial County Park. “We’re coming for your trinkets and doubloons. Daaarggghhh.”
Of particular concern have been their threatened raids on walkers, cyclists and horse riders enjoying the once-tranquill Willapa Hills Trail. A fortification has been established atop the new Littell overpass where trailgoers can take refuge in the event of attack.
Likewise, residents of Bunker Creek Road have been advised to build actual bunkers.
The U.S. Navy and Coast Guard have been deployed to strategic positions along the river, including Meskill, Doty and Claquato, under what is being called Operation Shiver Me Timbers. The military mission is an expansion of their ongoing effort to protect the greater Willapa Valley area from Vikings.
A fighting force of Trojans from Pe Ell have been drafted to protect participants in the upcoming Pe Ell River Run. The notoriously thirsty floaters are being warned against including any grog or rum as part of their river run refreshments, lest they attract the pirates. The Jolly Roger skull-and-crossbones flag, occasionally flown playfully by river runners, has been strictly banned.
The Chehalis Steam Train, which passes through vulnerable remote stretches of riverside territory, has reportedly added a battery of cannon to defend its charming passenger car.
“Let me just warn you river rats and scurvy dogs,” said engineer Sam “Keelhaul” O’Malley, “we’ll run a shot across your bow if you try any nonsense. Savvy?”
Cinnabon to open first Lewis County outlet in Cinebar
Lewis County’s many fine locally made dessert purveyors will soon be joined by the area’s first Cinnabon. The Atlanta-based pastry chain has announced that it will be building a Cinnabon in Cinebar.
While the crossroads community has few residents, its valuable location along picturesque Highway 508 will make the new Cinebar Cinnabon a must-stop destination for those heading to Bear Canyon or Ike Kinswa State Park.
In other news, reports that the Cheesecake Factory would become the corporate sponsor of Toledo Cheese Days have yet to be confirmed. Likewise, Winlock Eggs Days organizers would not comment on rumors that the event’s traditional free egg salad sandwiches will be replaced with Eggo waffles.
Pot of gold discovered at Rainbow Falls
A pleasant trip through the rain and sun along Highway 6 turned into a profitable experience for Sunday drivers who discovered a literal treasure and a livid leprechaun at Rainbow Falls State Park.
Richard “Lucky” Smith and his girlfriend April “May” June decided to pull off of Interstate 5 and head west during a St. Patrick’s Day road trip. Spring squalls turned sunny and a brilliant band of colors emerged ahead of them.
“I said, ‘let’s just follow the rainbow,’” June said. “When we pulled into Rainbow Falls State Park, we saw a funny little man in a green jacket and hat scowling at us. We went over to say hello and, lo and behold, he disappeared. Where he was sitting we found a pot of gold.”
Smith said the treasure came in handy as they went to fuel up for the rest of their trip.
“Hundreds of gold coins were almost enough to pay for filling up my gas tank,” he said.
Dad joke headlines of the week
In addition to those top news items, here are some other stories you can expect to never see on the front page of The Chronicle:
Brian Mittge can be reached about real and not-so-real news at brianmittge@hotmail.com.
