FILE PHOTO — 2017 Southwest Washington Fair
A new Little Miss Friendly was chosen at the Southwest Washington Fair Tuesday, to the delight of all in attendance who yearn for the selection of a new living logo at the start of the annual showcase of agriculture, crafts, rides and calorie-packed food.
I covered my first Little Miss Friendly contest way back in 2006. It was the year in which a young and inarguably affable, cordial and (of course) friendly Bailey Peters seized the cape. The young lady would eventually don the Miss Lewis County crown, and she’s just one of more than 50 women and girls who have dished out stickers, smiles and goodwill at the fair over the years.
In the sports world, the media is often called upon to weigh in when it comes to handing out awards or passage into a hall of fame. In that spirit, I’m going to take it upon myself to suggest some changes and additions to the Southwest Washington Fair, which rolls on through Sunday.
Little Mr. Rowdy
I can’t claim credit for this proposal. The high honor of conceiving this new and exciting title goes to the late, great Aaron VanTuyl, the former Chronicle sports editor who now pushes paper for Gov. Jay Inslee and the state of Washington as a government employee.
Little Mr. Rowdy, as I would have him, would in some ways reflect the mischievous and impish nature of Dennis the Menace, but with an edge that would render him an unpredictable presence at the fair as well as a worthy opponent and occasional ally of Little Miss Friendly.
The winner would of course be chosen for his daring pranks and hijinks. I imagine a contingent of security guards would be needed to keep Little Mr. Rowdy from the Little Miss Friendly coronation, where he would no doubt seek to pinch and pull the hair of the finalists.
“We’re here to designate a new Little Miss … Wait. Who is that descending from the rafters? It’s not … wait, IT IS,” the emcee would declare as Little Mr. Rowdy rapelled down from above with a snake pilfered from the Reptile Man’s show across the fairgrounds.
Little Mr. Rowdy would roam the fairgrounds throughout the entire six-day event, with no attendee being safe from his signature shin-kick, one doled out by snakeskin boots complete with a metal-tipped toe.
You might find Little Mr. Rowdy driving cattle through the midway, stowing away on rides or absconding in a demolition derby vehicle, but his antics would always be cheeky, fun and just a tad bit dangerous.
Bounty hunters would be called in on the final day of the fair to round up Little Mr. Rowdy, who would likely have turned feral by then, and return him to his parents.
An Elevated Role for Little Miss Friendly
Forget the home rule charter for a moment and let’s imagine we as a community chose to go all-in with a government led by our dear, cherished and benevolent Little Miss Friendly.
The current county commissioners would lose their jobs, of course, and their combined salaries and benefits of well over $300,000 would be used to pay Little Miss Friendly a modest allowance and fund a permanent parade float so she can attend government meetings in style.
Naturally, the savings would be used to hire an armed guard to protect our treasured leader from the pranks of Little Mr. Rowdy and to pay for repairing the damage wrought by his many capers.
A new Little Miss Friendly would be chosen in traditional fashion each year, but the work wouldn’t stop for the previous Little Miss Friendly. Instead, they would replace a current county worker every year until all of the county workforce was brimming with genuine friendliness, uncorrupted by politics.
Those who doubt this form of governance would be successful haven’t followed the news out of the commissioners’ office over the past few years.
Truly Amateur Cage Fighting
Fairgoers can watch grown men beat the crap out of each other at the fair this year.
The cage fights are a great addition to the festivities, but one I believe could be perfected. I propose that members of the Lewis County community agree to settle all of their disputes from throughout the year inside the cage during fair week.
“You cut me off!” I’d shout at a fellow motorist.
“Oh yeah, you wanna settle it at the Southwest Washington Fair!?” he’d shout back.
“Darn right I do! You’re looking at a knuckle sandwich in NO LESS than 268 days you jerk!”
The fair office would keep a rolling schedule throughout the year as men and women alike sought to defend their honor through a cage match, with fights beginning at sunrise and lasting until the wee hours of the morning to account for the many personal grudges and grievances of the good people of Southwest Washington.
Politicians, who love to attend the fair, could even prove their tough guy (or tough gal) credentials by demanding their opponent meet them in the ring.
“TO BE THE MAN YOU’VE GOT TO BEAT THE MAN,” Commissioner Gary Stamper would snarl in the direction of challenger Jerry Pratt while ripping off his county-issued cardigan.
That would be precisely the moment that Little Mr. Rowdy emerged from a cloud of smoke and delivered a swift but powerful kick to his shins before whistling for a horse and riding off into the midway with an endless supply of stolen wristbands.
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Eric Schwartz directs digital operations for The Chronicle and Lafromboise Communications. He can be reached at eschwartz@chronline.com.
