I spent a small portion of Thursday afternoon at the oculist’s office. (I think they go by optometrists these days, but I like “oculist” better.) I’m not sure what the procedure was called, but I had my eyes dilated and then poked with a stick (more or less) to determine how bouncy they are. (Obviously I pay close attention in these situations.)
“You did great. Most people get really squirmy for this part,” the technician, who did a fine job, told me afterwards, once my knuckles had loosed their grip on the armrest of the exam chair and the sweat had ceased its steady pour from my brow.
The real adventure came on the drive home, when — with dime-sized pupils — I was squinting at the impossibly bright sky, ducking behind my sun visor and shaking my fist at daylight like a neurotic vampire. I also noticed I couldn’t read my cell phone, so I spent the rest of the afternoon shouting my correspondences at Siri like a technology-illiterate executive in my darkened living room and finding common ground with my dog, Ralph, who’s probably going blind and, like myself on Thursday, is just hoping someone will throw food his way.
Twin Transit: The Centralia-Chehalis bus service has applied for a $4.3 million grant from the Department of Transportation to build a new bus station right across the street from this paper’s magnificent Pearl Street headquarters.
That’s a lot of money. That’s REALLY a lot of money to renovate an old office building and throw up a bus shed on Pearl. (As a Pearl Street landlord I know exactly how much things on my street are worth, and there’s entire neighborhoods touching Pearl that aren’t worth $4.3 million.)
Let’s have a little fun with numbers, shall we? Twin Transit says it provides 230,000 annual rides. Over a year, that’s 630 rides a day; assuming each of those reported rides is one way (a stretch, perhaps, but we’ll go with it) and requires a return trip, that’s 315 people riding the bus every day. Now — and this is another stretch — if we assume it’s the SAME 315 people riding the bus every day (disclaimer: it’s probably not), and we throw that figure at the $4.3 million grant … Well, my dubious math says the DOT could budget out over $13,000 and change to just buy each of those 315 people a new(ish) car.
Other ways the DOT could blow $4.3 million in Centralia that might be more popular than a new bus complex:
• Dish out $13,000 in Uber credits to bus riders; also, hire an Uber driver for Centralia
• Build a tunnel under the train tracks so we don’t get hung up on Pearl and Tower every day (yes, it would become a homeless resort almost immediately, but on the plus side, the flood waters would wash out the garbage a few times a year)
• Spring-loaded sidewalks so everyone — not just that one young swinger who smiles and loopily waves at everyone — feels like they’re walking on the moon whilst touring downtown
• Build a new overpass on I-5 that Centralians don’t really need, but can rub in the faces of their Mint City neighbors
• Throw it in a burn barrel and light it on fire so at least for one night the grant can warm someone’s spirits; alternately, $4.3 million would cover a year’s rent (at $600 a month) for almost 600 people, so really you could put a huge dent in homelessness with that kind of cash.
Humvee Thief: THIS guy. David Reser stole a Humvee from the Centralia police in August and was recently sentenced to eight months for “second-degree burglary with intent to be a bad-ss,” all while (incredibly) not being under the influence of intoxicants. Here’s the short version of events: Reser steals the Humvee (Phase 1 complete), leaves the police yard at the old sewage treatment plant (everything going according to plan), hits a light pole getting on the freeway (not good), stops on the freeway (really losing steam here), gets help pushing the Humvee to the side of the road (maybe he should have left the scene), tells the people that helped him that he stole it (pushing his luck), tries to fight the people that helped him (not the smartest move he’s made in an evening full of missteps), and gets arrested (inevitably). Police were responding to a hit-and-run at the light pole he damaged getting on the freeway, and then the fight with the witnesses. What if he hadn’t hit the light pole or tried to fight anyone? And did any of his pals try to talk him out of it beforehand?
“Look, Dave, I know you want to get to Seattle, but can’t you just take the train?”
“No way man! This is totally gonna work! Think of the chicks you can pick up in a Humvee!”
(Two hours later, on his one phone call)
“Ronnie! Bro! If I hadn’t hit the light pole or stopped on the freeway or told the witnesses I stole it or tried to fight those narcs I’d TOTALLY be at the Mariners game right now!”
“Ugh. Dave, man, I told you, the Mariners are in Oakland tonight.”
“So ... You’re gonna make me beg you to come bail me out again, aren’t you?”
•••
Aaron VanTuyl is The Chronicle sports editor and a Saturday columnists. His weekly power rankings, a nonsensical look at the week’s news, are largely satirical. Contact him at avantuyl@chronline.com
