Let’s get straight to the Power Rankings:
Chehalis Theater: A smooth bit of Twin Cities gamesmanship by the Mint City! (Side note: I’ve heard Chehalis’ technical nickname is “The Rose City.” Poppycock! Balderdash! There’s literally a facility at the north end of downtown pumping the sweet, fresh aroma of peppermint into the air on crisp spring days. It’ll always be the Mint City to me, a person who has on occasion passed the time in Chehalis.)
Returning to the theater, though. New owner Ralph Hubbert and operator Debbie Hamilton are cleaning the place up, which is good, because there’s nothing more depressing to see downtown (outside of certain people; your opinion may vary) than an unlit theater marquee. It takes the downtown experience from “decaying former cosmopolis” to “up-and-coming metropolitan exclusivity” with the flick of a light switch.
Dying in Morton: Morton General Hospital is showing a particularly uplifting movie on June 2, free of charge, and then hosting a discussion between viewers and health care professionals on dealing with end-of-life decisions. (Mr. Hubbert and Ms. Hamilton should not follow this game plan with the Chehalis Theater.) Perhaps I should attend, as my “end of life decisions” plan has, for over 30 years now, been to just hope I don’t die, and a flier on the presentation specifically states “Hope is not a plan.”
Salmon: Over the weekend someone cut nets to dump about 100,000 fall chinook salmon into Mayfield Lake. The Sheriff’s Office is investigating, but I have my own suspects, thanks to a scientific coloring-book drawing (“What Eats Salmon”) produced by the Bureau of Land Management.
• Bear. Obvious answer … a little TOO obvious. Every good bear knows he’d be the first suspect in this type of case, and plus, bears are probably still hibernating. It’s not picnic season yet.
• Harbor seal. The last seal to travel far enough upriver to pull of this type of caper was found dead in Olympia the next day. Related crime? PERHAPS!
• Great blue heron. They’ve got long snippy beaks and the perfect escape plan (flying). But have they flown north for the summer yet? I need backup on this one, and the BLM doesn’t have any more drawings.
• Bald eagle. Everyone knows bald eagles are unprosecutable within American borders, not unlike an ambassador with diplomatic immunity abroad. Should a bald eagle turn to a life of crime, though, why waste time on salmon? Go straight for the Cadbury factory or a slaughterhouse. Or a daycare. Eagles are predators, probably.
• Human. I’m a human, and I didn’t cut the nets. Since we’re lumping all the OTHER animals in together, people get a pass.
• Shark. CRIME SOLVED. (The drawing has a great white shark, but I feel like a hammerhead would be more likely to plan out a devious act like this.) This, however, means there’s a shark swimming around in Mayfield Lake, reaping all the rewards from his act of treachery. Beware, boaters! Keep your shark guns handy.
New Fair Manager: The county is advertising for its next Southwest Washington Fair and events manager, and looking for someone to increase revenues and attendance with a think-outside-the-box mentality. I would totally apply, given my history of thinking outside boxes (and locked doors, societal norms, meetings in the principal’s office, establishments that have asked me to leave, etc.) but I don’t know that I’m presently on the best of terms with the county commission as a whole.
For shame! I would have slashed the rent prices for food vendors with a deal that they cut prices, just to bring in more people, and brought in TWO headlining musical acts with decidedly different fan bases, each with a contract for about half what you’d pay a Foreigner (the band, not … well, never mind). Throw out something for the over-50-”Hey remember them?” crowd, and some up-and-comer for the “I like country, but I’ve never ridden a tractor” kid crowd. Work out a deal with the downtown Chehalis bars where anyone with a wristband gets half-priced drinks after the show, and each group’s designated driver gets a free concert T-shirt or free on-site vendor food.
Other ideas: A carnival with rides powered entirely by the 4-H livestock (go green!); kids collecting cow/horse/goat manure and selling it cheap to farmers to support whatever local high school cause needs money; a softball field added to one end of the fairgrounds with some sort of local championship slow-pitch tournament played out every night during fair week (“The Fair Fight Tourney!”); the Mister Lewis County pageant; an on-site fair-events sportsbook, where you can gamble on everything from the Little Miss Friendly pageant to the outcome of each 4-H show and auction (“$50 on Theodore Q. in the Holstein junior type show, please!”); a live cooking (or barbecue) competition; something with fire; a cops-and-firefighters skills competition; and The Fair After Hours, where the carnival is open exclusively to anyone over the age of 21 for a few hours one night.
Side note: No public sector job has ever actually wanted a “think outside the box” candidate to come in and shake things up, because that’s a risky hire. They actually want someone to come in and do exactly what the last fair manager did with a few tweaks, and that’s what they’ll hire. Public sector hiring committees aren’t exactly known for risky hires, and anyone on the young side, or without specific experience doing exactly what the last fair manager (who was let go) did, is going to be a tough sell. “Think outside the box” is a great line to throw on a job posting, but anyone who demonstrates that ethos is going to be written off as an unhirable lunatic.
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Aaron VanTuyl is The Chronicle sports editor. His weekly column represents a non-sensical, satirical view of the week’s news. Send comments to avantuyl@chronline.com.
