With the same diligence and fervor used in vain attempts to keep the oppressive heat at bay Tuesday, so too did I toil against the onslaught of World Cup coverage that threatened to render me a helpless slave to soccer.
I’ve long despised the sport, mostly because the United States is not competitive with such esteemed nations as Ghana and Uruguay, ties are sometimes smiled upon and faking injuries is seen as a legitimate strategical measure.
Alas, my attempts to dodge fútbol proved futile.
As a general rule, I’ll cheer for any athletic venture wrapped in an American flag, and the United States Men’s National Team proved too formidable and inspiring an opponent to avoid.
Team USA is now out of the tournament, but its moderately successful run to the Round of 16 provided some unsolicited lessons. Most interesting to this bandwagon passenger was the system of punishment used by officials.
Minor offenses are called as fouls. More malicious violations will result in a yellow card. An even more egregious act, or a pair of yellow cards, will get you a red card.
In the spirit of the sport — a term I am now willing to bestow on soccer, if only temporarily — here are my calls for the past week of news.
Red Card — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
A man from Uruguay is seriously regretting his decision to roam in the land of the free after his own freedom was snatched away from him over a matter of 30 minutes.
Diego Simonassi approached U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for help after he was denied entry to Canada following six months of legal backpacking in America.
Unfortunately for him, his plea for assistance came a half hour after his visa expired. He’s been locked up since June 14.
Rules are rules, I suppose, but this one stinks worse than rotting roadkill stuffed inside overused sweatsocks.
Regulations are great until they overshadow basic human kindness and common sense.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement — and the federal government for that matter — has the pivoting ability of a marble statue.
Yellow Card — Thurston County
All hail the unprecedented bravery of the Board of Thurston County Commissioners!
This terrific trio has taken on the greatest villain of county government, that dastardly author of pollution and environmental disarray that for generations has found its way into our very homes.
I’m of course referring to plastic grocery bags.
Summoning every eco-friendly ounce of their courage and political will, the commissioners banned the bags, a move that went into effect this week. So bold were these county leaders, they enlisted you in the fight against what I can only imagine represents .00000000000000000000000001 percent of the state’s pollution.
So pick up those reuseable carriers, prepare to pay a little extra for paper bags and watch as your neighborhood grocer struggles to pay the price of the county’s heroic decision!
Red Card — Escaped Green Hill Inmate
The smell of freedom proved too enticing for an 18-year-old resident of Green Hill School in Chehalis.
The inmate pulled a “Cool Hand Luke” (not to be confused with a “Shawshank Redemption,” wherein the escapee breaks out of prison itself) and broke for the exit during a graduation ceremony in Lakewood Wednesday. It appears to have been planned ahead of time, but I don’t think there was much foresight in this case.
The man was set to be released in a month. Thirty more days, and this young miscreant would have been back on the streets without fear of an imminent and inevitable arrest. Time passes slower for youth, though, and perhaps the thought of another four weeks was just too much to bear.
Now that he’s done his best Paul Newman, though, perhaps he can channel his inner Tim Robbins and emerge from the prison walls with a chisel, a poster of a woman in a bikini and the sage advice of Morgan Freeman.
Foul — Soccer
I’m calling you out for preying on my patriotic sensibilities and forcing me to enjoy a sport that relishes opportunities to kiss one’s sister (the best traditional comparison to a tie) while causing me to emotionally invest in a team that was doomed to fail.
How can I be entertained by an activity in which Belgium is found to be vastly superior to the United States? No, I’m not drunk on the theory of American exceptionalism, I’m just an incredibly poor loser.
What did America give Belgium? Freedom in World War II.
What did Belgium give America? A 2-1 drubbing on the world stage.
I’ll see you in four years, World Cup, whether I want to or not. Next time, you’ll get the yellow card.
•••
Eric Schwartz is the editor of The Chronicle.
