From last time, let’s do a deeper dive into Abigail Shrier’s book “Bad Therapy,” shall we?
Shrier is convinced that authoritarian parenting is the best parenting style. In chapter nine, she discounts what she calls “gentle parenting.” She seems to espouse a harsh disciplinarian style of parenting. She seems to advocate going back to a parenting style like in times past. She feels it builds character. We are just too easy on our children, she writes.
She proposes a style of parenting she calls “knock it off, shake it off.” This may need to be told to children in some cases, but this is not an overarchingly good parenting style to adopt.
Is she correct? Frankly, no, she is not. At least not in her direct directives.
Why, you ask? Good question. First, let’s look at researched parenting styles to get a clear picture of where Shrier veers off the path.
There are four main parenting styles that most, if not all, parents fall into. The authoritarian style that Shrier seems to endorse demands obedience and parental control. Sounds good on the surface, right? This style demands and expects blind obedience with little response to a child’s needs. Communication with the child is limited to negative reinforcement. For example, “you do that and I’m going to whip your …” You get the picture. Discipline in this style is punishment based with little or no communication.
According to studies I have read, this parenting style leads to negative outcomes, i.e., very little emotional and behavioral control, poor social skills, low self-esteem, depression, a sense they are a failure, and resentment toward the parent.
There are parenting styles of the other extreme, such as permissive and uninvolved parenting, which Shrier berates. These parenting styles lead to bad outcomes as well, including difficulty regulating their emotions, lack of boundaries, lack of responsibility for their actions, and being demanding of their parents and teachers.
That last approach is called authoritative parenting. What’s the difference between authoritarian and authoritative? A lot.
The authoritative parent takes control of the childrearing but does it much differently. Authoritative parents set clear rules and firm boundaries, but they explain the reasons to the child. So it is more like, “these are the rules. When I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it, and here’s the reason why” rather than “you do it because I told you so.”
If you think about how you liked to be talked to, granted children and adults are different, but we are all human. If someone tells you, “just do it, don’t ever question me,” what do you feel? Resentment, right? Alternatively, if someone tells you, “I need you to do this. The reason why I need you to do this is because we have a deadline to meet,” it’s the same message with a very different approach.
Because the approach was authoritative, the message will be well received and the outcome will be good. Some books I like on authoritative parenting are, “Authoritative Parenting: Striking the right balance between strict and lenient” by Allision Crawford and “No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel Siegal and Tim Bryson. The latter book gives you insight into a child’s developing brain and how parenting styles shape it.
Shrier has some very good points in her book.
Parents need to be in control of their child’s upbringing. We should not, and cannot, leave it to teachers or child therapists to tell us what to do or how to raise our children. Let’s be clear here: It is perfectly OK for us to take counsel and guidance from professionals. But parents must be in charge. Authoritarian tactics don’t work for reasons I have outlined above. But authoritative parenting does work.
Shrier appears to think kids need to suffer to learn. Suffering will happen anyway. Life itself will teach children lessons. But parents need not stand idly by watching. Parents do not want to see their children suffer needlessly. When we can help, we should. We can’t just say to a suicidal child, “just walk it off.”
When should we seek professional help for our children? The answer is “any time we need to.” Are there unscrupulous practitioners out there? Indeed there are. Pick someone who is willing to work with you and your child.
Parenting is hard. We know that. We also know that we tend to parent how we were parented, and that is not always good. Shrier makes some excellent points, and her book points out some really excellent issues that are hard to argue with.
Some key takeaways from her book and current research into child psychology are these:
1. Be an authoritative parent, not an authoritarian parent (Shrier is at her best when she advocates for this).
2. Dole out real punishments when discipline is needed — don’t be a feeble opponent concerning the rules that matter.
3. Don’t rush too quickly to get a diagnosis for your child, but take seriously concerns expressed by your child.
4. Take back control of parenting your child. Parental rights should always be at the forefront.
5. Children do not need to suffer needlessly — life itself will see to lessons for living.
6. Encourage communication — this is key.
7. Be supportive, but not overindulging.
8. Trust yourself. You are a better parent than you think you are!
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Richard Stride is the current CEO of Cascade Community Healthcare.
