Brian Mittge Commentary: Newest Newsy McNewsarooni for March 32

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Folks, it’s the least accurate day of the year, so here’s some April foolish “news” for you. 

Note that there might actually be something truthful or accurate in today’s column, but that’s only because it slipped in when I wasn’t paying attention. 

So with all appropriate flourish, ballyhoo and flibbitygumbo, here’s the very freshest non-news for April 1. 

 

Twin Cities to Merge, Rebrand with Yard Birds Theme

After years of tense negotiations, more than a little name-calling and a few donnybrooks out back of city hall, the leaders of Centralia and Chehalis are holding a press conference at 1:23 this afternoon to announce that they are merging. 

The new city will be known as Chentralias. 

The joint seat of government will be moved to the Yard Birds Mall. The smiling bird outside will serve both as the town’s mascot and the image for the official city flag. 

In a nod to the former nicknames of “The Hub City” and “The Mint City,” the unified town’s new motto is “Hubba Hubba, We’re Minty Fresh!”

 

Skippers Opens Floating Restaurant on Plummer Lake

Decades after the old Skipper’s on Kresky Avenue shut down, the popular seafood-themed restaurant is making waves at a prominent new Centralia location. 

The new Skipper’s opened this morning on a barge floating on Plummer Lake, a spot chosen both because of its valuable freeway visibility and because the “catch of the day” can be caught directly from the kitchen port-holes. 

“You can’t get anything fresher,” said newly hired manager Jimbo “Skipper” McTavish. “The bass-and-chips are particularly tasty.”

The restaurant, of course, features the giant leaning anchor sign and readerboard that was a mainstay of the old Skipper’s, but this one is only visible when it’s not submerged to hold the restaurant in place against the lake bottom. 

 

I-5 Traffic Fix Announced: 40-Mile Roundabout

With I-5 regularly becoming jammed in its two-lane section through north Lewis County, the Washington State Department of Transportation has issued a surprise solution. 

Instead of widening the freeway, WSDOT will install the world’s largest roundabout, running from Napavine to Onalaska to Bucoda and then rejoining the freeway at Grand Mound. Travelers heading south will detour through the hills of Rochester and Adna before rejoining the freeway.



“We could add a lane in either direction of I-5, but what’s the fun in that?” said WSDOT regional administrator Jim “Bud” Spumoni. “Roundabouts are so hot right now.”

As a major side benefit, the soon-to-be unused portion of the freeway through Chehalis and Centralia will become runways for a new international airport, dubbed “Sea-Tacky-Two.” 

 

Herd of Elk Seize Control of Packwood

Content to graze no longer, the elk that have long been a passing presence in Packwood have announced that they are now firmly in control of the east Lewis County community after a surprise blitzkrieg invasion of the town.

In a major strategic oversight, the much-discussed Packwood Subarea Plan, while making ample provisions for housing, wastewater and growth over the next 20 years, nevertheless almost completely ignored the need for a military garrison and elk-proof fencing with razor wire around the sprawling unincorporated community.

“Our special military operation has been a success,” bugled Supreme Elk Commander Bjornhorn “Cud” Blugostimox, speaking through a translator. “The town is ours. Bow before us, humans of Packwood. Mwahahahaha!”

Residents fled in panic after the rampaging ruminants solidified control of key logistical and cultural sites, establishing strongholds at Cliff Droppers, Cruiser’s Pizza, Blanton’s Market, the Blue Spruce Saloon and the High Valley Country Club.

The U.S. government ordered immediate economic sanctions that included a full shutdown of the nearby elk feeding station at the Oak Creek Wildlife Area.

The invasion was met with sharp disapproval across the spectrum of political and non-governmental organizations, with one notable exception. 

The Centralia/Chehalis Elks Lodge issued a statement recognizing the legitimacy of the new occupying force, saying, “We elks have to stand together. I mean, at the end of the day, they’re our guys.”

 

Town of Vader Chooses Adorable New Name

The south Lewis County town of Vader, which 110 years ago voted to name itself after beloved elder citizen Martin Vader (note: this is actually true), has decided to change its name again. 

After a long battle to distance itself from the dark side of its name (and considering, but rejecting such town slogans as “Darth, you’re not our town father” and “Martin, not Darth”), the municipality has decided to embrace the latest iteration of the Force. 

The town’s residents gathered last week to binge-watch the new season of “The Mandalorian,” and then voted unanimously to name themselves after the cuddly star of the latest Star Wars spinoff. 

Henceforth, the town formerly known as Vader will be called Baby Yodaville.

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Happy April Fool’s Day! Brian Mittge can be reached at brianmittge@hotmail.com. He apologizes if any of this resembles reality. Satire has a hard time keeping up with real life these days.