If you want to look forward to a better marriage through practical daily steps, let me pass on some tips that Scott and Jeannie Collins gave during a powerful and useful session at Bethel Church’s recent marriage conference.
“It's possible for you to change the culture of your family,” Scott said.
The very first: get rid of sarcasm in your marriage. It’s a cancer that will eat your marriage alive, they said. For someone angry and unable to express it, sarcasm is a tiny bit of truth wrapped in anger and delivered in a little joke or cutting remark.
So how to kill off this cancer? Start by sitting down and saying, “I realize I communicate with sarcasm toward you. I want to stop.”
Then if a spouse gives a sarcastic comment, lovingly respond with “is there a different way you could say that?” The cut can help correct the habit over time. It won’t happen overnight.
As you weed out the sarcasm, plant that ground with the flowers of thankfulness.
They gave couples a great set of tools and suggestions to strengthen marriages, whether they are currently hanging together by a thread or are healthy.
If you can incorporate even a few of these ideas into your relationship, it’ll be stronger.
1. Be loving and respectful. “Speak life into one another,” Jeannie said. “Find things you appreciate about each other and say it.”
2. Forgive quickly. Don’t set a goal not to fight — set a goal to resolve the underlying conflict and forgive quickly. Forgiveness is one of the most important — and most difficult — things to do, but it allows us to move forward.
3. Read the room (or the face). We’ve all said something we didn’t intend. If you see that they are hurt, lovingly ask, “what did you just hear me say?” It’s quite possible that it’s literally what you said but not what you intended. Ask for forgiveness and work on communications.
4. “I wish...” You need a forum to get out the things that are deep in your heart. Express your hopes with an “I wish” conversation. During a quiet, unrushed moment, say to your spouse, “I wish.” He or she should stop what they’re doing (put down the phone!) and look right back at your spouse and say, “what do you wish?” Then no matter what comes out, do not be offended or argue. After they say what they wish could be different, respond with “I heard you say... If that happened, how would it make you feel?” After you hear the response, end with “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Your spouse is handing you a gift. You have an automatic win built in. All you have to do is make the wish come true. This is a good tool, so make use of it.
5. Pray for and over your spouse. This puts a warm, cozy blanket on your spouse. Start small, but start.
6. Don’t stop dreaming! Have a one-year, five-year and ten-year goal. Maybe they happen, maybe they don’t, but dreams keep things from getting dry.
7. Keep dating your spouse. Be romantic. Figure it out. If money is an issue, take a walk in the park. Trade off kids with other couples so they can take a date night, too.
8. School is always in session. Your spouse is constantly changing. Study up.
9. The 10% challenge (see box). Little improvements add up.
10. Stay alert. There is no coasting in life. We never drift towards things that are healthy for us.
“Stay together,” Jeannie said. “Love each other. Let the Lord lead you to a better place.”
Speaking to the men in the group, Scott spoke plainly: If the distractions or difficulties of life have led you to leave your family behind, it’s not a good pursuit. Re-focus on God above and your partner on earth.
“Go back for the girl,” he said.
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Brian Mittge has covered life in his hometown for The Chronicle since 2000. He can be reached at brianmittge@hotmail.com.
