Aaron Goes Biblical

I’m all for gender-specific attire. That being said, I’m a little upset that my belief in dresses and halter-tops existing exclusively for the ladies was upheld, to an obnoxious extent, by the Milwaukee-based radio network Voice of Christian Youth America.  

Here’s what happened: a grade school (preschool to 5th grade) held Wacky Week, an annual tradition where kids pick themed days and dress up all crazy-like. They vote on what days they want, and kids are welcome to dress up appropriately on that day, not at all unlike Homecoming Week (except there’s probably no sheriff’s deputy reminding kids not to drive drunk on Friday afternoon before the Wacky Dance). 

Anyway, the VCY-A interrupted their regularly scheduled programing (on nine stations) to announce that the inclusion of an opposite-sex day during Wacky Week was utterly inappropriate. The VCY-A jockeys, it can be assumed, have never left the comfort of the station or typed “Lady Chablis” into the search bar on Google Images. 

The VCY-A’s program director, Jim “Laughter Be Damned” Schneider, had this to say, before signing off his radio show to end his day by decrying Santa Clause, melting snowmen and smashing sand castles: 

“Our station is one that promotes traditional family values. It concerns us when a school district strikes at the heart and core of the Biblical values. To promote this to elementary school students is a great error.”

Ah, yes, Biblical values. You remember the Bible, right? Water into wine, everyone wore togas, “Thou Shalt Not” and the like? I must be late for my flight, because I missed the connection here, Jimmy.

Thinking I may be off, I checked the Internet for further information and found www.christianbiblerefernce.com, which clears the issue up: the Old Testament (Deuteronomy) says men should not dress as women, and vice versa.

“You win this round, Jim,” I thought, but looked the passage up (I keep a Bible in my desk just for these occasions) and noticed this: Deut. 22:10 says you can’t plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together; Deut. 22:11 says you can’t wear clothes made of wool and linen together; and Deut. 22:12 says “You shall make tassels on the four corners of the cloak with which you cover yourself.”

Translated to 2008, I’d guess this means you can’t mow with a John Deere and bale with a New Holland, or mix Abercrombie with Ralph Lauren. And you’d better get those tassles hooked up or the Brimstone Boys are coming after you.   

Interestingly enough, the very same page of the Bible has a paragraph on dealing with misbehaving kids: stubborn and rebellious children, it says, shall be stoned to death by the men of the town... after, of course, the parents drag their son into town and announce, “He is a glutton and a drunkard!” 

I’ll let you make the joke about what would have happened to a teenaged Aaron in Deuteronomy times.

The fact is, the VCY-A is way out of line in causing an uproar over something so outdated, especially when it’s an annual event at most high schools. During Adna High School’s homecoming week, about 10 years ago, I was sitting in the gym before school when a kid from my class poked his head through the door and shouted for my attention. 

“Hey, what dress-up day is it?” he asked, sporting a full week’s growth on his chin. 

“Opposite sex day, I think,” I answered. 

He breathed a sigh of relief before strutting across the court in a short maroon velvet dress and high heels, his hairy legs and chest clearly visible from the low neckline and short hem.

I’m sure the VCY-A would have been proud.