Aaron Avoids a Scam

While checking my beloved Hotmail account this morning, I found a message asking for my urgent help in securing $5.5 million from a protected account in “one of the leading bank.”

I quickly recognized it as a scam, of course, but it got me wondering what kind of people fall for the ol’ “send me money and I’ll send you more money” trick. If you’re checking an e-mail, you’re already online and about three seconds from a Google search to check the validity of said proposition. Click here for the flop. 

Anyway, here’s the e-mail, with my immediate thoughts interjected in RED. 

Dearest One (Dearest one? My grandma doesn’t send me e-mails, you sandbagger. Game over.)

I know this mail will come to you as a surprise (Have you ever seen a junkmail folder? No one with Internet access should be surprised by anything.) since we have not had previous correspondence, please bear with me. I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you (Wait, what kind of scam is this?).

 I am Miss Miriam Kolo 18 years old (Consenting age!) girl from Cote d Ivoire (Idaho? Oh, nope, that’s the Ivory Coast. You can type the ENTIRE message in English, except your location. Way to banish my skepticism), the only daughter of Late Mr Robert Kolo (If that’s supposed to ring a bell, it doesn’t. At least convince me your dad’s someone important, like Tony Blair or Prince).

 I am constrained (“to hold back by or as if by force” ... what?) to contact you because of the maltreatment I am receiving from my Uncles (Okay, Cinderella. DELETE). They planned to take away all my late father’s treasury (Diamonds? Gold? Emeralds? Rubies?) and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Parents (They both died? How? Don’t short me on the details. Murder, housefire, snowmobiling accident, kidnapping gone wrong, kegger gone wrong, what? Apparently I, random stranger in Western Washington, am your only hope, and you’re not even going to give me the inside scoop of your parents’ demise? You deserve to be constrained and maltreatmented by your Uncles).

Meanwhile I wanted to escape to anywhere i can have a good life but he hides away my international passport and other valuable travelling documents (Who hides your passport? Uncle Jerk? Call the police, idiot). Luckily he did not discover where I kept my fathers File which contains important documents (Oh yes, the important documents! Deeds! Bonds! Lists of overseas bank accounts and safe-deposit boxes! Why didn’t you say so earlier?).

So I decided to run to an orphanage camp (You’re 18, fictional girl. The orphanage helps CHILDREN) where I am presenty hiding under Reform Church of GOD Abidjan Cote DIovoire (I have no idea what this means, nor do I wish to find out) where my late father deposited some amount of money in a bank (How much change are we talking here? Enough to, I don’t know, buy a passport?). I wish to contact you personally for a long term business relationship and investment assistance in anywhere in the world (Well, I did have that $5 I won at the track I was going to spend on a burrito, but this sounds like more of a sure thing. Where do I sign?).

My late father deposited the sum of US$ 5.5 million (Five million Five Hundred united state dollars) in one of the leading bank with my name as the next of kin (Wouldn’t your late father’s brothers, ahem, your captivating uncles, also be able to get their hands on this?).

However, I shall forward to you with the necessary documents on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer of the money to your account, and investment of the fund. As you will help me in an investment, and I will like to complete my studies, as I was formerly a medical student, when the crisis started (And the only way to do this is with $5.5 million? Is this school on the moon?).

If you are willing to help me in this kindly get back to me as soon as possible (in the words of a 14-year-old girl on Myspace, “ROFLOL”).

You can call me  on  +22508995621 (I wanted to call and follow up on this, but 1) my phone has no ‘+’ key, and 2) the number has 11 digits and I’m not sure how I’d explain that when the phone bill comes next month). I am waiting for your urgent and positive response (Positive in the medical sense?). Please do keep this only to your self please (Yeah... sorry about that) I plead you not to disclose it till I come over to your country after the transfer.I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum as compensation of your effort and 5% for any other expence you made after a successful transfer (25 percent of $5.5 million = $1,375,000... not bad for five minutes’ work). Call me on +22508995621

Thank you and God bless (No, God bless YOU, “dearest”)

Miriam