Enduring marriages are the bedrock of healthy families and strong communities. Over the past few weeks I’ve been delighted to hear from local folks with thoughts about this most ancient and important of human institutions, responding to last month’s column about my 15th wedding anniversary.
Their insights all came down to a few basics — showing love and care, even when things are hard.
Sheila Gray, of Chehalis, the longtime leader of the WSU Extension office, just celebrated her 34th year of marriage to husband Mark.
“While it hasn’t always been ‘sunshine and roses,’ I am very lucky to have met a man early in my life that has grown with me as time passes by,” Gray said.
Marriage, she said, is a relationship that continues to change over time. Like anything that grows, it takes constant care, feeding and nurturing.
“We just passed the year 34 mark in June, and I still like him!” she said. “Oh, and laughter really adds to the whole experience.”
Klaus & Marianne Wallis of Centralia just celebrated their 60th anniversary, “happy and still in love with each other,” Klaus said to me in an email.
I replied, asking if he had any advice for other married couples. His response came a week later, after they returned from a trip to the central Oregon coast. He couldn’t get back to me with words of wisdom at the time — as a husband on his anniversary, he had more important things to do.
“Advice? Don’t have time right now ... Got to go and buy some roses.”
Eventually the Wallises did come through with a few thoughts on what helped them reach six decades of marriage, and counting:
(1) A marriage requires work every day.
(2) Never tire of saying “I love you” at least once a day.
(3) Always say “thank you” when she/he does something for you and/or the family.
(4) Do something out of the blue, like touching her cheek in passing.
(5) Hug several times a day.
(6) Do not argue. You won’t win, unless you enjoy seeing her/him being peeved at you. Stop when it gets heated. Talk after tempers have cooled.
(7) When in doubt – zip it!
(8) Never put your partner down. (She’s not your old lady and you are not her old man)
(9) Pay compliments often.
(10) Give each other space.
(11) Never lose your sense of humor. Laugh a lot.
(12) Never go to sleep mad at each other.
And finally: “In a marriage, one person is always right — the other is the husband.”
Leon Martin, owner of Auto Tech Services of Rochester, and his wife just celebrated their 42nd anniversary. He said they spent the day reflecting on their 12 children and 26 grandchildren (13 of each model, this car repairman tells me.)
His advice came down to treating your spouse as you would want to be treated. He wrote: “It’s a big subject that has a ‘key’ in this scripture ... ‘It is more blessed to give than receive.’”
He also put it in mathematical terms.
Giving = peace, relaxation and loving.
Taking = losing, bad feelings, suspicion and a host of undesirables.
“Check out the golden rule,” he said. “When that is promoted, followed or practiced .... the results are amazing!!”
And I was delighted to hear from one of my favorite people in Lewis County, the soft-spoken, gentle-as-a-lamb, strong-as-a-lion Donna Karvia, of Chehalis, who said:
“Even during the strongest disagreement treat your husband or wife with dignity and respect. ‘I’m sorry’ cannot take back words spoken or actions taken. You serve as an example for your children.
“The words on the card my wonderful husband gave me are very true. Love is not for sissies, love is not all music and moonlight and romance. Love, real love, takes patience and courage and commitment. Real love — the kind that makes two people make a promise as big as ‘I do’ — isn’t easy, but if anything in life is worth the effort, it’s real love.”
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Speaking of worthy efforts, last Saturday morning I found myself at Stan Hedwall Park for the umpteenth day in a row (soccer season for our three kids means most nights and weekends are spent on the fields). While waiting for our daughter’s team photo, I noticed a few folks roll up to the parking lot and begin quietly painting the cement barriers between the the gravel and grass.
I meandered over and joined them, helping brush off the mildew and add a fresh white coat to the posts.
It turns out these folks were from the Latter-day Saints church and were participating in a national day of service connected with the Sept. 11 weekend.
In fact, they do this every year.
I told them I was grateful for their contributions to sprucing up our town. I didn’t catch the names of everyone there, but I enjoyed spending a few minutes of my day working alongside David and Elisa Stepp of Chehalis.
Soon I was off to another kid’s game. When we left the field later that day, the last thing I saw before leaving the park was that every one of those white posts was gleaming in the sun.
Thank you, Stepps, and all who serve our communities in these kinds of small but uplifting ways.
•••
Brian Mittge and his family live south of Chehalis and, for the next two months, at Stan Hedwall Park. Drop him a line at brianmittge@hotmail.com.
