It broke my heart to read that my friend Carol Wood, a volunteer at the Lewis County Historical Museum, died last week. Another friend passed away in Vancouver. Two others are battling stage four cancer, preparing for death.
In addition, this will be the first Christmas our little family celebrates without our son, who is in Helsinki, Finland, working for a computer software company. I suppose it’s just a new chapter of life, but I don’t like it.
Amid the holiday hustle, it’s easy to forget that, for many, the holidays bring pain and sorrow as people mourn the loss of loved ones who died during the year. After my mother died in October 2007, we faced Christmas by mixing it up, running away to share the holiday with Colorado relatives so it wouldn’t hurt as much.
That’s one of several suggestions offered by Dr. Anthony Komaroff of the Harvard Medical School:
• Start a new tradition, such as lighting candles at the table for loved ones or sharing words of remembrance;
• Change the celebration by going out to dinner or taking a trip;
• Share your feelings (it’s OK to say you’re not up to participating now);
• Help someone else (volunteer or make donations in the name of loved ones);
• And give yourself time to grieve.
I’d add that it’s good to treasure our time and measure our blessings. As I sat in church Saturday evening, I recalled snuggling with my son in those same pews 15 years ago. I grasped my daughter’s hand and hugged her. Often I’m so busy rushing to publish books, write Christmas cards, sell Christmas trees or write this column, I fail to notice the beauty before me — my precious daughter, my hardworking husband, my good friends, our beloved pets. Upon the advice of former Winlock librarian Barbara Nichols Lewis, I read Mitch Albom’s book, “The Time Keeper,” which prompted a re-evaluation of how I spend my time.
Counselor Margaret Heriot, who spoke during Thursday’s Evening in December at the Centralia Church of the Nazarene, acknowledged the angst people often feel during the holidays from fractured relationships, pain from the past, or loss of loved ones. But she offered nuggets of hope.
“We are celebrating the birth of the one who’s the source of hope for us,” she said. “Because Jesus was born in human form, we have the hope of everlasting life.”
Although the message of Christmas is peace and gratitude, holiday obligations can leave us stressed. She said it’s important to hold realistic rather than idealized expectations for Christmas to curtail disappointments.
“The loss from death of the people we love most,” she said, “their absence is excruciating during this time when families gather together.”
It may seem unbearable, but Jesus understands grief. It’s OK to shed tears. Don’t apologize if you need to cry. Find somebody you trust to share your feelings with, she said. Visit a grief share group or find a counselor. It’s not necessary to bear the pain alone. And Jesus provides hope.
“We will be reunited forever with loved ones in our new bodies after our time here is done,” Heriot said.
God designed people for relationships, but sometimes fear keeps us from experiencing them.
“Do you move around a lot so you don’t get a chance to build deep relationships with people?” Heriot asked. “Do you keep yourself so busy with work that you don’t have time or energy to interact with people? It is within your power to change this. You can bring a more healthy balance into our life and take time to nurture relationships.”
Churches provide the opportunity to join small groups and build relationships.
And, she said, “Jesus can heal all the hurts that have isolated you from other people.”
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Julie McDonald, a personal historian from Toledo, may be reached at memoirs@chaptersoflife.com.
